Beltway Death Match: NRA vs LCAV

“It’s Beltwayyy Deeeeath Maaaatch 2012” The ringleader roars. “Are YOU ready to RUMBLE??”
“In the right cornah, the all time greatest champion of the political arena! The most successful lobby in DC! The gun lobby. The N–R–A!”

The crowd lets out a hearty, loud roar. They love the NRA! Everyone loves a champion.

“And in the LEFT cornah… The LCAV – Legal Community Against Violence. A liberal group that wants gun control!”

The crowd lustily boos the LCAV and rains epithets upon it. “Communists!” “Pansies!” “Liberals!” LCAV jumps about the ring, staying light on its toes, gives an acknowledging wave to the crowd.

The ringleader roars “Well let the fight begin!” and sends the microphone into the ceiling. The crowd cheers. The referee brings the two fighters together. They’re spitting, snorting, can’t stand one another. “Okay, lobbies. I want a mean fight, a dirty fight…” The NRA stomps on the LCAV’s toe – you could hear something crack. “Yeah, like that. That’s the idea! This is not the WBA. This is WDC!” The bell rings!

The fight is on! The NRA is swinging hard, going for knockout.
LCAV, hobbling, circles the ring evasively, then pauses and reaches into its pants. The ref shouts “LCAV, that’s below the belt!” and points at the pants.

The crowd lets out a roaring boo that shakes the room as the LCAV pulls out a big wad of statistics on legal document white paper.

The NRA lunges for the papers. LCAV yanks them back and holds the papers up in the air.

The ref waves his arms, “Hey, let me see that!” and takes the papers and gives them some scrutiny. “Um, hmm, um, hmm. Yeah, it checks.” The referee declares, holding the fighters at bay, “These are statistics – well sourced and researched! Roughly 100,000 Americans are shot every year! Of those, roughly 30,000 die from their wounds! That’s roughly 3 deaths every hour! All true! Lives ended violently. Mothers shot. Babies shot. Teens shot. Cops shot.” The ref nods approvingly. “Not bad, LCAV!” The LCAV straightens up and walks around the ring boastfully pointing it itself, flexing its factual muscle! I’m bad! Look at me! I’m bad!

The crowd start to like the little underdog, LCAV, as it flexes its muscles, showing off. This is the most troubled the NRA has ever looked in a fight in some time. This could be an upset in the making!

“Come on, NRA!” comes a shout from the crowd. “Stand up, don’t let that LIBERAL beat you.”
“Yeah!” Chimes in another. “We don’t care about facts!”
“I do,” said the Ref. “So I’m giving NRA the count! One…” This can’t be happening! “Two…” Not in America! “Three!…” Losing to a liberal? “Four!… ” So emasculating. “Five!” Could this be an FKO – a Factual Knockout?

The NRA reaches deeply into its pants. The ref waves his arms, “NRA, NRA!! You’re going below the belt!” The NRA pulls out something long and hard. With wonderment and awe the crowd gasps as what is revealed is the most beautiful Old Glory on a flagpole they have ever seen! The crowd is overcome with glee. Unbelievable! This is a stunning recovery! Wow, what a comeback kid! The NRA is waving the flag back and forth, back and forth! With broad stripes and bright stars, dazzling the crowd!

“USA! USA! USA!” The crowd chants.

With that the LCAV starts getting wobbly on its feet, stumbling, woozy. “Wow, now EVERYBODY respects the flag,” the ref declares. “I’m giving it a thumbs up and you the count, LCAV!”

“One! Two…”

With its last ounce of energy, the LCAV reaches into its pants. The ref flails his arms wildly, “Hey, hey LCAV, you are going below the belt!”

LCAV pulls out something, but it’s small. Things nobody sees, rarely ever looks for. Obituaries. Funeral invitations. “Your presence is requested,” the ref reads from a card, “To remember the life of…” Delicately, slowly, LCAV pulls out flowers for the gravestones, a teddy bear, spent ammo, a police officer’s badge… The mood turns somber, sober. The NRA’s big flag had gone down, to half mast.


“That’s round one! We’ll take this break to remind our viewers not to miss the NEXT Beltwayyy Deeeeath Maaaatch. It looks like a good one!
Save Himalayan Indian Tigers vs Farmers Union of Chicken Killers.”

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