This Just In

Will it be a longer winter, or an early spring? Groundhog Day is a minor annual U.S. and Canadian recognized day on February 2nd, with ancient, Pagan roots in Germany. Groundhogs predict whether the weather will weather us all or give us an early spring. Ask Punxsutawney Phil or the 20 or so other major weather-forecasting groundhogs in the USA and Canada. Ask Punxsutawney only in the Pennsylvanian dialect of German, because English he does not understand. In fact, English screws up his weather forecasting abilities and he can’t be allowed to hear any English. If it is cloudy when the weather forecasting ground squirrel specimen emerges, he can’t see his shadow, and that means early spring. If it is sunny, the animal will see his shadow, and that means precisely 6 more weeks, no more, no less, of winter. Clouds and timing is what it comes down to. So, it’s February 2, and we are gathered around our favorite groundhog’s burrow hole, and the groundhog usually emerges between 7:30 am and 9 am.
With 99% of the precincts reporting, it appears winter is over.
Punxsutawney Phil of Gobbler’s Knob, PA, saw his shadow and predicted 6 more weeks of winter.
Octoraro Orphie of Lancaster, PA. did not, predicting an early spring.
General Bouregard Lee of Georgia’s Yellow River Game Ranch did not see his shadow. Early spring for Dixie.
Mount Joy Minnie saw her shadow and predicted six more weeks of winter.
Uni, also an accomplished boatsman, saw his shadow and predicted six more weeks of winter.
Staten Island Chuck could not find his shadow and predicted an early spring, with a typically thick New York marmot’s accent.
Bee Cave Bob, an Austin, Texas, armadillo “soul brother” or honorary groundhog, saw no shadow and predicted an early spring.
Obntario, Canada’s Wiarton Willie as well as Nova Scotia’s Shubenacadie Sam did not see their own shadow and predicted an early spring for Canada.
Woody the Woodchuck of Michigan could not find his shadow and predicted an early spring.
Birmingham Bill of the wonderful Birmingham Zoo in Alabama saw his shadow! It’s six for weeks of winter according to Birmingham Bill.
Malverne Mel, another Staten Island groundhog, saw his shadow in plain sight, predicting winter would stay another 6 months.
And last but not least, probably the most infamous groundhog of all, Adolph Hitler of Germany, has yet to emerge from his hole in the ground, where he was last seen around International Workers’ Day (May Day), 1945, taking Communist lead up his ass.

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